A Draft Worthy of Posting

What you are about to read was a draft that I never published from 2015... I finally am and for good reason.

I am my own worst enemy. I love to write, but I don't. I love to take photos of what I feel means the most to me, but I haven't. I have this crazy list of the to dos and what ifs going on in my head. I interrupt myself so much and start thinking of what I should be doing, that I forget about the moment that I'm in. I get lost in the thoughts of people that I love. My life is great. I have seen more than I have ever expected and done more than I ever thought I could. The people that I have "collected" along the way… I am still amazed by! Whether is was the man I met coming home from Alaska for the first time on the streets in NYC or the little boy I was skipping rocks with in Lincolnville, I learn from them and take them with me.
I came home for my cousin Alex's wedding. He is the best person I know. He is devoted, loyal and always hard at work. He is an ear when anyone needs it and he married my friend Amy. I introduced them before I left to go learn how to "run dogs" (dog sledding) in Willow, Alaska. I didn't want my cousin to be alone and I loved Amy!

(Now coming into finish this draft)

The thing is... Amy was diagnosed with breast cancer at 29. At first she didn't understand it and was so mad. Why was this happening to her? What did she ever do to deserve it? There is no real answer to the question. Alex started dating Amy. She had no hair, she was going through chemo, she had stretchers implanted to help make room for implants because of her double mastectomy. Alex didn't see that. He saw Amy. The goofy ass, always laughing, child loving, prankster, people loving, dancing, karaoke singer that she was.

They dated for a few years and Alex finally asked Amy to marry him. Of course she said yes. The wedding was planned, but here was the catch. Amy's goal was to be cancer free on her wedding day. Alex did the research and found a place in Austria that did an alternative type of therapy. Amy had already gone through the pains of chemo and radiation and wasn't going back. So Austria it was. I don't recall the name of the place or the therapy in which she did, but what I know is that through it all, she was 100% cancer free on their wedding day.

I was living and training on Oahu at the time and planned on going right back. Little did I know what was in store. The day was perfect and the wedding was amazing! Amy looked so beautiful and Alex so handsome. She danced until the last of it! AND WE DANCED!

Fast forward about two years. I was on the computer and saw something on Facebook that struck hard with me. Amy made some comment on something and I knew something wasn't right. I was living on Kauai at the time and I got in touch with Ma, Amy's mum. She told me that Amy wasn't doing to well and had lost a lot of weight. I cried so hard. I hadn't cried like that since we were in the hospital and the doctor's said my mother wasn't going to make it. I was living on an island, out in the middle of the ocean, and there was nothing that I could do for Amy. I hated that feeling and from that night on, I think that's when things changed for me. I started to secretly loath the island. It wasn't the islands fault. I lived in a magical place where I loved every person I interacted with. I was racing and doing what I loved, but I was too far from my family. So, I called Amy in the morning and tried to act calm and cool. She and Alex were headed to Augusta to go to the doctors. She knew I was upset and that's when she planted the seed... "When are you coming home?"

I hung up the phone after trying to be calm and cool.. and lost it. Pulled myself together and made a plan. Later I spoke to Amy and said I wouldn't be able to come right off, but what were her thoughts on September? She loved that idea because September was her favorite month. I had this feeling in my gut and my heart that I was done with Kauai for now and needed to be else where. I wanted to be with my love, Darby, and I wanted to do something for me/us. I planned on working in Alaska for the spring and summer and was going to visit Darby. While there, we started working on our plan of a trip we called, The Big East.

The Big East was both of our ultimate goals of visiting Darby's parents and family and seeing my Dad and Amy as well as family in Maine. Everything just worked from timing to visits. I hadn't seen my father in 5 years and this was the longest I had ever been away from Maine. It was also great for both of us to get the chance to meet each others families.

As soon as we got to Maine, we stayed with my childhood friend, Jesse. After a nice breakfast then a lunch, we headed back "home." Made it to Waterman Beach Road and walked along the beach to Amy and Alex's house. From the time I left Maine almost two years ago, to right then, Amy had changed. I wear everything on my face. Can't hide a thing. I took a deep breath and prepared myself walking up the path where Amy and Alex got married. I saw Amy in a chair on the lawn and she quickly said, "Don't squeeze me too hard!" with a laugh and smile. Amy looked different. She looked good, just lesser of Amy. Her smile was still as big as her face as usual. Alex came out and shot the shit with us and we filled them in on what our plans were. Alex was listing off all of the things that we should do and I reminded him that we were there to visit family and not much else. I wanted to be near the farm.

While home we spent time out on the island, visiting family and spending time with Amy. We went to the farmers market, where Darby bought Amy a lovely bouquet of flowers from Nancy at Ravenswood Flower Farm and then we went out for lunch. That's when I could see that Amy was tired. We did stay up pretty late at Waterman Wednesday at my cousins field, the night before. We went home after that and stayed a little longer.

We left Maine on a Tuesday and spent our last morning there with Amy. She spoke of when she'd get better and being a mother. I always wanted to be positive around Amy and not allow that sliver of doubt to pop into my head around her or even when thinking of her. She was in such great spirits! Of course we then filled Darby in on stories of the crazy things we did and memories of living together, working together and just being together. He got some dirt... but nothing too scary. We listened to some Afro-Man and talked about me going to massage school. She went to the back room and brought out a book for me to take with me on trigger points. We hugged, I told her I love her and to stay in touch.

I thought I'd see her again. I have though... I've seen her in my dreams. I've had multiple dreams about her since my cousin Andy told me 10 minutes after she passed that she was gone. I take her to class with me everyday. I was headed out the door back when I originally started writing this heading back to Kauai... Amy ran back into the house and tells me to wait. She comes back out and hands me a roundish piece of Rose Quartz. She said, it'll keep you safe and will help heal your heart. Well, it has kept me safe, it has helped heal my heart, and it has allowed me to remember what love is and to hold on tight to it. Amy passed on a piece of herself when she gave that to me and I am forever grateful.

Thank you to Alex for giving her a wonderful life full of love. You really are the best human I know.

When Amy found out she had cancer and was starting to lose her hair, she let me be the one to shave it.
It meant more than she knew, but she did know.

Myself, Amy and Jen. Jen and I went with Amy to Chemo a couple times. I think the nurses were either really happy or a little scared. We were the loudest ones with roaring laughter, but it made everyone around us laugh too.